Chasing Her Shadow - Chapter Ten
Meera Srikant
21 August 2008, 05:10Continued From Chapter Nine
With the usual ups and downs, it managed to get on course. She was able to bring back a bit of her theatre and managed the home, keeping both happy…Life would have been peaceful. If only she hadn’t received a call from Satish. He was shifting to Chennai, with his wife, and needed her help in looking for a house.
From the excitement she felt, she realised it was better not to get involved. But, she couldn’t say a no. Or, should she have? It was too late now anyhow. He was there for a week and wanted to finalise a house at the earliest. When she told Ravi about her friend Satish who needed help, he didn’t share her enthusiasm. “Do you have to? How will you manage the rehearsals?”
“I will take a break. That’s no prob. The next show is a month later,” she replied.
He moved around the house restlessly. “I was planning to buy a washing machine and dining table this week.”
“What’s the hurry and where is the money?”
“But, he must be having other friends?”
“Well, he doesn’t!” she said exasperated. She had no clue if he had and was not going to find out.
The whole week, she found Ravi back home earlier than usual, restlessly pacing the hall when she returned from the quest. He would look at her closely but obviously, he didn’t know what to expect. Once he commented, “You look very chirpy these days. Anything interesting?” He tried to sound elaborately nonchalant, but that put Shyamala on guard. She told him it was his imagination and went to wash.
“Is it finalised?” he would ask each evening and seemed disappointed that she would be gone the next day too. He seemed happier than Satish when the house was finalised.
*
“I called you during lunch. Where were you?” one evening he asked her as she walked in.
“The receptionist didn’t inform me. I had gone out for lunch. Satish has shifted, and we met up,” she replied, making a mental note of the receptionist’s oversight.
“Oh.”
He seemed to be resenting her friendship with Satish. He didn’t even know how she had felt about Satish – she was glad she hadn’t complicated things by letting him know of her feelings for Satish. Let sleeping dogs lie. It was a past that she was recovering from and being friendly put the relationship on a normal footing. Was she just fooling herself, then?
Satish was as before, light-hearted and jovial. “Tche, you women are possessive. I thought only you suffered from that syndrome.”
She laughed. Curious, she asked, “Why? Your wife is possessive, is it?”
“You would have been better, man. I just have to look out and she gets suspicious.”
There was a light-heartedness about his comments and she didn’t take it seriously, till she met Jennifer one day. She joined them very briefly for lunch, but, maybe out of prejudice, Shyamala could feel the tension. Jennifer left abruptly, having received a call for a meeting urgently.
“That’s my Jenny. Multi-processing. An eye on the hubby and still at work,” he smiled.
There was irony and she felt uncomfortable. She got the feeling that he was using her as a solace as he cracked jokes, relaxed a bit. “Work pressure, you know…”
*
He called her at office one evening. “Hey, you haven’t seen my furnished house. Come over.”
She hesitated. If Jenny didn’t like it… “Don’t worry. She feels better if I bring people home. Easier to keep an eye, ha ha. Want to call your hubby too?”
It didn’t sound like a proper invitation. And, Ravi was alarmed at her friendship with Satish. No point complicating matters. “Some other time, maybe,” she evaded.
“No, no. Come now,” he said and picked her up from office. It was like sitting on hot bricks. On the one hand, Jenny didn’t particularly like the idea of a sudden guest. On the other, Shyamala kept wondering how Ravi would react.
She was right. He didn’t know how to say it, but she could see from his face that he was not particularly happy.
“But, I never worry about your meeting Latha! Why does Satish bother you?”
“It is not the same.”
“Why? Because you are a guy and have the freedom to meet whomsoever you want and I can’t?”
She sounded harsh and unfair even to herself. But then, she was upset.
*
“If Ravi is out of station, why are you in a hurry to go to an empty house? Drop in,” Satish invited her one day.
“No, Satish. I have a rehearsal this evening,” she replied.
“Oh, come on. It is there every evening. What’s one day in so many days?”
She remembered Jenny’s attitude. “No, it’s important.”
“No excuses. I am coming in the evening to pick you up,” he said and cut the line. She felt uncomfortable as she waited for him in the evening.
“That’s better. I thought you would have gone off,” he said, as he pulled up his car. Why hadn’t she thought of that! She just smiled as she got into the car.
*
“Still on soft drinks? Have some beer,” Satish offered. She firmly refused. “It’s non-alcoholic.”
“Thanks, but no thanks.”
“Ravi doesn’t drink?”
“No.”
“You prevent him from drinking!” he said, pouring a glass of whiskey for himself.
She smiled.
“I know you won’t let him smoke. What a pity! Man needs his freedom, you know?” he continued. She shrugged.
“When did you start drinking?”
“Since I married Jenny. She does. Not beer, but gin.”
“Where is she?”
“Not in town.”
She looked up. “You didn’t tell me that?”
“Would you have changed your mind about coming?” he asked, smiling.
She smiled back naughtily. “Maybe.”
“You don’t travel?”
She shook her head. “Not much. I am glad of that. Too many things on hand.”
“I am happy to note you still do all that you used to. I thought you would be a nice housewife and a mother of two.”
“In one year of marriage, mother of two?” she laughed.
“Seriously, Ravi must be a very accommodating man. Anyway, you are tough.”
“Mmmm….he is accommodating and I am tough, I guess.” Noticing him look at her closely, she added, “It needed some adjusting from both sides. I was off plays for sometime.”
“That’s OK. My Mrs didn’t think taking a break to set the house up was important. `I need my space’ type.”
“Why do you always sound bitter about her?” she asked impulsively.
He looked up startled. “Do I?” he asked after a pause. “I guess it is the fate of all married men. Or, you don’t give your husband even that right?
She laughed. “I remember your mail, announcing your marriage,” she said, trying to keep her feelings down.
“Oh that. Was a nice surprise, no? Even for me, it was unexpected. Though I proposed to her, I think she had given me enough clues…unlike…” he looked away, leaving the sentence hanging.
She was about to ask “unlike…?” when she checked herself. He poured himself another drink.
“You always were poker-faced,” he said.
She chuckled. “Helps. Maybe comes naturally.”
“Helps, my foot. Helps whom? Only yourself.”
“Who else is it supposed to help?” She noticed he was already on the third one.
“Aren’t you drinking too much? Not good for the liver, is it?”
“You care?” he asked.
She looked at him. The drink was maybe one too many. His expression had changed, though she couldn’t describe it. She tried to think of a way to change the topic when he persisted, “Do you? Tell me.”
She smiled.
“Stop smiling. You are a cheat, hiding behind a mask.” She was shocked. “Ha ha ha, broke your veneer.”
She realised he was drunk and losing control. And he was pouring more whiskey for himself. “OK, you have had enough drinks, Satish. I think you should stop.”
“You can’t order me,” he chuckled. “I am not your husband…though…,” he said, slightly slurring the words. He looked at her and looked away.
She sat still. She felt goose pimples.
She got up. “Satish, you are drunk. So stay home. I will find my way back.”
He didn’t reply but stared at a distance. He didn’t move even when she had left.
*
When she got out of Satish’s house, her only wish was to go as far away as possible.
There was a time when she had longed for him to be more than a friend to her, to indicate in some way that he cared. Now when he had, she was not ready. She didn’t want this happening to her at this stage in life. Even a year back, it would have been fine. Not now. Please, God!
She somehow reached home. The words kept running through her mind. She was glad, for once, to come to an empty house. She slumped on the bed and waited for her emotions to sort themselves out.
There was disbelief at what he had said. Did he really say what he did? What had he said? That he would have liked to be her husband? He was drunk. Don’t believe him. If anyone else were with him, he would have said the same. Would he have? Was he so lost? He was still aware of who she was. Was he pulling her leg? What a dirty joke to play! How insensitive! Or, was that his only ventilation? A marriage that didn’t look very happy, and bottled up emotions that he couldn’t talk about? Poor Satish. She felt a fresh bout of doubt about her marrying Ravi. No, no. She had no regrets. But, if she were not married, how simple the whole thing would have been! What was she thinking! He was married and had no business talking the way he did. That was not his way! It must have been a joke!
She went in to the bathroom and poured cold water on her head to clear it. She busied herself in the kitchen, not knowing what to do. She waited to hear from him. He had deliberately selected a day when his wife was not in station to invite her home. `Were his intentions right?’ a thought came to her. “No, he is not the cheating types,” she told herself firmly. If for nothing else, at least to preserve the warm feeling she had for him.
She ate something light and rocked herself to sleep, trying to count sheep at the same time. Anything to keep all this out of her mind. Where was Ravi! Oh, why doesn’t he come home early at least once in a while!
*
Shyamala noticed that Ravi started coming home late. He was aloof and pre-occupied. She had mentioned her visit to Satish’s house to abate her guilt, but was careful to make it sound like a casual visit with sufficient mention of Jennifer. Had that made him moody again? She associated that feeling with Mary, and wondered if he felt their relationship going the same way.
“Why don’t you at least tell me what’s bothering you? If you don’t want me to meet Satish, I won’t,” she pleaded.
He just responded with a curt, “It’s up to you.”
She felt a deadlock. “If it’s not Satish, then what is it?”
“Oh nothing, Shyamala. Don’t fuss. I am just tired. Lots of work.”
She knew that was not true. If he was tired because of work, a cup of coffee was enough to perk him up. “Any tensions at work?”
He just looked at her, irritated. “Now don’t start imagining things. You can see my travelling has increased and it doesn’t seem to be helping me.”
“But, you have always loved travel.”
“In moderation.”
Four-to-five times a month didn’t seem too much to her. But, she didn’t say anything. Her instinct told her that there was something more.
*
She didn’t meet Satish often after that day. She was a bit scared of what it meant to her. And then, of course, Ravi’s reservation was a good deterrent. And when they did meet, they talked of the most mundane happenings around. She wasn’t even sure if she was right in meeting him. But, she realised that her will to not meet him was very low. She felt vulnerable and was not ready to throw her life with Ravi away. She was surprised at what Ravi meant to her. But, Satish too seemed to be claiming some part of her, and she was anguished at the dilemma she was in.
Continued In Chapter Eleven
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Chasing Her Shadow - Chapter Nine Chasing Her Shadow - Chapter Eleven
